Ten things girls should do on a weekly basis and other inappropriate thoughts.
before i enlighten you with the 10 things i think girls should do on a weekly (or even daily) basis, i’d like to share some of the best quotes from this past weekend. not every saturday and sunday is guaranteed to provide you with sentence-gems, but for some reason, this past weekend my friends seemed to really be on their game when it came to ridiculous and inappropriate things coming out of their mouths:
upon spotting a true ryan gosling look-a-like: “if i saw ryan gosling for real, in person, my clitoris would grow into an actual 7 inch dick.”
“yeah! i was about to say i would be so wet, you could see it through my pants.”
“guys? after dinner, can we PLEASE sing in the car? please?”
“something about dancing makes my butthole loose.”
“i feel like snoop dog would be a really good friend to have”
“can i tell you something, emma? i would NEVER wanna hang out with you while on cocaine.”
“ew. when people have babies it’s so weird.”
why don’t you take a few seconds to sit on all those before you continue you on? i’ll meet you at the next paragraph in 10 seconds.
oh hey! thanks for meeting me here. i’m so glad my quotes from the weekend didn’t scare you off. i know talk of loose buttholes and babies being gross can be enough to make people defriend you both virtually and in real life, so thanks for sticking it out. now to my ACTUAL post.
when you’re in your 20s, single, and finding yourself hanging out with yourself most nights, you can do one of two things: embrace it or desperately fight it with every ounce of your vagina. let’s face it: being alone can be hard. and not just boyfriend-less, but sometimes friendless if your friends have other shit going on. sometimes even family-less if your mom and dad don’t invite you to dinner. i mean you’re awesome, obviously, but sometimes you gotta have that human interaction to shake up your awesomeness that much more. however, the ugly truth of life is that you can’t really depend too much on that human interaction because people are busy!
so i compiled a list of 10 things i think most girls should do on a weeklyish basis. i say “most” girls because if you’re a bitch or like super tomboy, you’ll either scoff at my list or not understand it at all. in the case of the latter, just go drink a beer. but can i come?
that’s right. i went there. here’s the thing (BLOG TITLE!) – yes. you’re going to fuck up your self-manicure or pedicure. yes. you WILL get dots of nail polish on your skin rather than your nail. yes. it’s not as fun as going to a salon and hearing asian women talk shit on you while they rub your stubbly legs and you smile. BUT, it doesn’t cost you money and we’re all broke as hell. so, get a nail clipper, get a buffing stick thing, get a cuticle wand, and GET BUSY! put on a movie or a TV show or maybe even a daytime talk show with captions on – it’ll feel that much more authentic like you’re in a real salon!
no asshole is doing it for you and even if you HAD an asshole to claim as your own, he sure as shit isn’t bringing you flowers randomly past the first month. they go on special reserve for anniversaries and birthdays once he’s wooed you with the few random acts of flower-giving. it makes me happy to grab a brightly colored and cheap bouquet of flowers for myself when i’m at the store picking up my weekly supply of wine and turkey meat. bring some happiness and life into your apartment, girlfriend! sit by that vase of flowers for 30 minutes and sniff them! YES!
don’t look at me like that. do it. you have one and so do i. we all do. so DO something about it. groom thyself.
yeah. you know i’m saying here. i’m not gonna spell it out and if i have to, you’re the most clueless lady in the land. if you’re confused, text a friend or make her come read this so she can explain what i mean. at first i was against this, but now i believe that all girls should own a happy fun thing for her thing! and just thing the day away. well, not the entire day. but ya know.
i can’t even get into when girl’s are uncleanly around their apartments. it baffles me. however, if you’re gonna be a pig, AT LEAST be sure your shower is clean. i mean, you’re sitting at home on your ass anyway – might as well get some exercise by bending over your tub and scrubbing the shit out of it. it’s bad enough that almost every male you know has a ring of dirt and semen around his bathtub. don’t stoop that low. i beg you. wash your shower liner (there are ways), spray your tile down with cleaner, and BE CLEAN.
go on pinterest. find 1,000 recipes. make ONE of them. i don’t care if you’re not a “cook” or a “baker.” buy the ingredients. follow the steps. and make something from scratch. it’s therapeutic and really, really fun.
it’s really easy to get into a lazy, casual groove at the office – even if you’re required to dress business casual, you end up wearing the same blouses and pants every week. do me a favor. plan to wear AT LEAST one super great outfit during your work week. my parents never let me wear sweatpants, cheerleading shorts or anything of the sort to school because they claimed feeling too comfortable would make me lazy. guess what? THEY WAS RIGHT. if you wear sloppy shit, you’re gonna feel sloppy. so, just… put something fun on. make a statement. wear green. or something.
girls are bitchy. don’t add to it. you know how much it takes to call someone one of your best friends, so make them FEEL that. yes, we’re all competitive by nature. yes, we want to be the best dressed in the room. yes, we’re nuts. however, take the crazy down a notch with your best friends and compliment them. don’t be like the rest of us even though you are.
i don’t mean this literally. don’t be like, banging it out with a guy while enjoying the first edition of the hunger games (although this COULD make for interesting romping/role playing). it’s so easy when you’re single to get caught up in TV and movies. whether you live alone or not, the television is there, taunting you. “emmmmaaaaaaaaaaa. emmmmmmmmaaaaaaa. come watch ‘say yes to the dress.’ you know you want to. you have 7 of them recorded. who cares if they’re from 2009?” practice getting in bed a little earlier and reading. it makes you sleepy and smart AT THE SAME TIME! and you have cooler things to talk about when socializing instead of “did you see modern family this week?!” (no, but really. did you?)
stay in. alone. all week. do nothing. don’t wear pants. wear pants. be naked. wear 7 layers of clothes. do weird shit like wrapping yourself up in a blanket and laying on the floor to watch TV when you have a perfectly good couch. turn your phone off after 11p – no one is texting you anyway. stare at yourself naked in the mirror. take a bath. see if you can hear your neighbors fighting below you. do every single last load of laundry you have. clean out your fridge. BUT WHATEVER YOU DO – DO NOTHING. be okay with being alone, at home, doing not much. don’t be scared of yourself. don’t be too afraid to sit alone with your thoughts. how else are you ever gonna learn about yourself?
it’s tuesday. you only have 4 days left to make sure you complete at least HALF of this list. report back to me.
Emma is ridiculously outstanding and will be writing regularly for the site going forward. This post was originally featured on her amazing fantastic blog, Emma's Things, which you would be a crazy person not to check out and/or read in its entirety.
^this. click to go to there
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