so you wanna be a movie star, eh?
so you wanna be a movie star, eh? i may not be a celebrity on the red carpet, but somedays i am one in my own mind or at least i THINK i could be if i had to. ya know, like if i got approached and the person was all like “listen. you’re exactly what we need (the perfect mix of Jewish girl meets half black/half white girl meets latina) and we’re willing to pay you money for it.” how are you gonna say no to that? “no thanks. i already have enough money and fame. no extra dough for this gal. no sir. i ENJOY living paycheck to paycheck, thank you.”
shut up and pay attention because it’s MOVIE AUDITION TIPS 101 time.
i got to thinking over the weekend (which was astounding in and of itself because i had enough champagne and hops pulsing through my veins on saturday to last me a week) about all the typical acting moves and “lines” for all the typical movie categories. i mean, really. how hard can it be to send in audition tapes of you perfectly executing all the various types of characters we see in movies? it just takes the right amount of nothing to accurately depict your theatrical range everso effortlessly.
for example, the beloved RomCom. oh those romantic comedies – how predictable yet incredibly satisfying you can be (like sex with a long-term squeeze). the girl or guy is always all “NO NO NO” then “YES YES YES!”
next, a scary movie.
personally, i cannot handle horror in any way, shape or form. i shit you not when i say that evil witch from Snow White STILL gives me the shakes. however, in today’s modern world, most horror movies involve a young girl screaming… a lot. and screaming the same kind of thing a lot.
i know what you’re thinking – but those are EASY, emma. ANYONE can scream loudly or act like a confused-in-love dipshit. okay. fine. what about a classical period piece sort of thing with accents and drama?
personally, i believe one of the more difficult genres to tackle is the “independent film” category. they’re always slightly off and require a certain type of awkwardness and oddity to really grasp the role and the plot itself. here’s my best effort at summing them all up in one shot.
and let’s not forget those war dramas with an incredibly heroic and masculine woman leading men into battle and making it known that WE ARE WOMEN – HEAR OUR VAGINAS ROAR! i feel like i could REALLY pull this one off if i needed to.
of course, last is our uber dramatic movie with a whispery and uncomfortably emotional death scene. i decided to shake mine up a bit with a musical twist at the end. i hope you enjoy.
so tell me…
did i get the part? a part? SOME part? you know what. don’t call me. i’ll call you. i think that works best for this situation.
YOU’LL BE GREAT.
GONNA HAVE THE WHOLE WORLD ON A PLATE…
Emma is ridiculously outstanding and will be writing regularly for the site going forward. This post was originally featured on her amazing fantastic blog, Emma's Things, which you would be a crazy person not to check out and/or read in its entirety.
^this. click to go to there
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